Good Like a Medicine

I don’t know that I’ve really experienced the “baby blues” (postpartum depression) with any of my babies so far. I know people who have experienced this, and I’m pretty sure I would know if I had. I KNOW for sure that I experienced morning-sickness, and I KNOW for sure I experienced afterbirth pains. You don’t have to ask me twice about those. I can say that those were not figments of my imagination or things I could just “snap out of” in an instant (and Eric will agree with me because he watched me suffer)! I’m glad I’m not experiencing either one of those now, yet I know I’ll probably never forget what each felt like. At nearly two weeks post-partum I can’t put my finger on where I am on the emotional rollercoaster, but I’m convinced that I bought the ticket and am strapped in to my seat pretty securely. Who knows where these hormones are going to take me, but I know I can run to my Savior, Jesus, and in Him I will find the strong power to overcome whatever jerks my stomach into a frenzy.

I told two of my close friends in FL yesterday, “I’m not sure what I’m experiencing, but I guess I would basically call it ‘fear.’” Fear of what? I’m not sure. I think this scared-to-death feeling is as close as I’ll get to depression, but fear is not fun, either. I wake up some mornings so scared that my kids will meltdown before they have had their breakfast (is a meltdown really that scary?), and some nights I go to bed wondering if Meredith will start screaming the second my head hits the pillow, causing me to start all over again as I pretend to muster the strength that’s just not there. Maybe my fear could just be a fear of being “alone,” which is crazy, because that’s anything but what I am. This probably sounds stupid to most of you reading this unless you’ve gone through it yourself. Eric just looked at me last night with this perplexed (yet compassionate) expression when I told him how I was feeling. When my mom and grandmother drove away after I had Lydia, I stood in my kitchen at 5:30 am and cried like I had just been sentenced to jail! I still don’t know why, but I think it was some hormonal postpartum thing going on. This time is a little different, but the little fear-inducing butterflies in my stomach are still there.

I’m not “scared” of things staying this way forever; I know that every day is going to be easier in a sense, and Eric and I will get to sleep a full-night’s sleep again. I guess I’m just scared of nothing at all or not knowing how every day is going to go. It makes me really consider whether or not I could be called a true “control freak!” Then I think that perhaps it has something to do with this brand-new person who you stare for hours in the face every day, and they can’t smile at you or make any kind of connection with you yet. It fascinates me how God made newborn babies - in all their beauty and stillness - this way. Or maybe it’s just times like this when I visualize myself as a little tiny “david” in front of a giant “goliath” called parenthood and face the reality of my own frailty, wanting to run away and hide. But I can’t run away. And I can’t hide!

Are you a mom or dad who hears me in this? I say, “Come on, even you guys who act like you have it all together, you have to have moments like this sometimes. If not, there’s something wrong with you, or you’re just very humanistic.” Some people probably think when they read stuff like this, “Gosh, what’s her problem? All she does is take care of children all day! Can’t she get a grip?!” But this feeling of inadequacy, to me, makes being a stay-at-home mom just as much pressure as supervising on Wall Street or Capitol Hill. Your job affects other people immensely. After all, have you ever clicked on a parenting website, watched a parenting-related commercial, read a parenting magazine, or been to the Doctor’s office?! The information overload, checklists, and projection of must-do’s and must-NEVER-do’s in order to save your baby’s life and soul (or at least make certain that they have the most impressive birthday cake ever) are enough to make any normal person’s head spin!!! It’s no wonder young moms are proned to depression when everyone from Martha Stewart, Dr. Phil, and the all-natural/all-organic police (and yes, I eat organic chicken) are always dictating the correct way to do everything! Anyway, back to my point. You have to face the very thing that scares you most — the unknown — and you have to decide every day what you’re going to do with it.

I’m going to do what I should be doing now, which is take a little nap while they are asleep. I’m so glad Jesus purchased me as a child of God and that I don’t have to fight fears, whether they are silly or legitimate, on my own. I can keep preaching the gospel to myself every day: that Jesus came to save dead sinners like me and give them hope. I’m glad I can rest in these words:

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Psalm 121