Good Like a Medicine

This week I’m begging God for the grace to help me finally kick a habit I’ve been enslaved to for years. Today is “day one” for me as the “new woman,” and I think I might get some strength from writing it here completely out in the open. I hope I’m not disappointing anyone, but I’m not talking about smoking, drinking, or overspending. I could probably use some help in the money area, but this addiction is to me pretty disgusting and I’m tired of it.

Speeding.

Yes. More specifically I mean speeding, weaving, maneuvering, rushing, and cutting off people in other lanes.

The Dr. at this weekend’s retreat briefly referred to this once during a message, and I was extremely convicted. I ask myself again, “What does this say about my character? What does this mean when my children learn to read that the speed limit is so many mph and I am going 5,10, or 15 over that?”

Maybe I don’t yell or drive like her (although my husband may actually beg to differ on the reckless driving part ), but I am realizing that the way I drive is totally inconsiderate, selfish, a bad example, and just plain sin. Not only that, but it’s unsafe! When I’m speeding, what I am really doing is disobeying the law. Oh, wow! What a profound thought that is. Sarcasm aside I feel like it’s time to stop pretending that it’s not a big deal and act like I mean it when I say I want to follow God with every part of my life.

This strong conviction from the Holy Spirit is coming to me after this past week’s lesson on hypocrisy in our church small group. Thankfully I have never been caught speeding or been in a car accident, but thank You, Lord, that You’re helping me stop now. How can I lead my children to obey God as much as they can at all times when I am cutting off this part of my life away from God when I drive in the car? How can I pretend to “walk in the light” of God’s Word when I am blatantly disobeying? Lydia even asks now sometimes, “Mommy, are you going to go fast today, or are you going to get us there on time?” What she’s asking is, “Can we not speed this time because we’re not going to be late?” This is from a three year-old! Really if the truth be told, the underlying problem is the speeding plus my terrible chronic habit of not watching the time and giving myself a fraction of the required time to get ready to be somewhere. My dad can remember the awful burden that is now on my husband’s shoulders. I’m so sorry!

I want to do better. Okay. So I’m driving home from church today; I work in the nursery on Tuesday mornings, and the kids and I usually go out for lunch with Eric at noon. I am startled at the Holy Spirit’s reminder of my conviction, and I slow down as I come out on the main street. Our city is pretty large, and to get home we cross over two bridges and enter and exit through a couple of highways and an airport. Needless to say our commute is pretty heavy with traffic, and normally I speed around all the huge trucks and “slow people” because I just don’t like to deal with slow people and want to get my kids home and settled as soon as possible. God reminds me, “Hmmm, so what was your excuse before you had kids?” Ouch.

Every time I slow down to meet the speed limit, someone is literally a few feet behind riding my bumper. Let me just say that I absolutely loathe bothering other people. One of my personality flaws is the constant nagging feeling of offending others, so I try to backpedal my way out of those kinds of situations. God is teaching me with every day, though, that my character and allegiance to Him are much more important than what people think of me. So here I am, chugging along going the speed limit all the way home. Woa, this is hard! One guy in a moving van has to wait behind me on a two-lane road until we get completely through the airport traffic. Boy, he is fuming and shouting at me when he finally gets the chance to swerve around me, and I feel about two inches tall. Then, when I get into my neighborhood, the poor guy behind me has to go twenty miles per hour for half of a mile until I turn on to my street. I hate every second of it.

That’s the hardest part. It is humiliating to go the speed limit. It makes me look like a total idiot. I know what those people are thinking because I have always been the one irritated at the “slow people.” Even though I’m in the right lane, everyone around me treats me with extreme anger and disrespect. “Goodness, Kristi. No one actually goes the speed limit.” Well, I don’t care anymore.

There’s no funny ending to this one I’m afraid. Maybe you can leave a comment to amuse or inspire me, but for now I’m just musing at home about how I’m fed up with it. I’ve had enough with this sin in my life, and I’m going to change. By the grace of God and the power and name of Jesus, I’m going to change. I’m going to put up my sticky notes with scripture on my dashboard. No longer am I going to be a jerk on the road, and I know God’s grace is in this. If you ever come to visit and get stuck behind me, I’m sorry! There is Someone watching me, though, and after many years of ignoring Him I’m deciding it’s the real deal and time to listen.

Pray for me! I’ll let you know how it’s going.