Good Like a Medicine

I probably shouldn’t write a blog post when I’m this tired, but oh well. I don’t share enough when I’m feeling like this, and I think it’s healthy and encouraging to other moms out there. Take it for what it’s worth I guess. I’m still going to look to God, run to the Cross, and find my strength in Him, and in this moment I just need to be honest and recognize my weakness. I’m tired. It’s likely a combination of multiple causes, but all I know right now is that I’m pretty beat. I just emailed Eric at work and apologized in advance for how tired I am and in need of some time alone to clear my head (’cause I know June Cleaver’s not gonna be opening the door tonight when he gets home)!

Some people love to be on the go. I am like that to a very strange extent. I like to be very productive, and I think of ideas to implement and creative ways to be a better wife and mom constantly. But I don’t enjoy getting in the car with 3 kids and going places hardly at all at this stage in my mommy career. I would rather just stay home. I was in the middle of every activity in school, but now I am pretty comfortable with saying, “Sorry, but I think I need to be home today.” In all truthfulness I probably spend 98% of my week at home with my kids. The only time I go somewhere is in the event of church activities, errands, or a bite to eat at a restaurant, and sometimes I will go out with the kids to meet up with some friends. I have a few friends that tell me they cannot imagine life for them like this. I really don’t think they are bad moms, but the thought of spending that much time “going” and in the car makes me feel tired. I know it might seem like we are here and bored all the time, but honestly it’s almost always fun and full of activity.

Yet even at home I can get so worn out and quickly become like a wilted flower. GIVE ME SOME WATER PLEASE! Do you ever feel like you don’t even have the chance to drop to your knees and ask God for strength? I know, that’s pitiful. But really. My pastor encourages us to stop reguarly throughout the day and get on our knees and listen and commune with God, even if it is brief. Lately I have felt like it is one urgent need after the other, and I feel exhausted of words, games, and instructions by noon. By late afternoon I want to run in a closet, hide, and say, “Please, no one need me for just 10 minutes!” It has been like that at home the last few weeks. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that my oldest child is still not reading or writing yet, but she doesn’t need a long afternoon nap anymore. She is bursting with energy and wanting me to help her find new things to do all the time, and I cannot keep up with her and the other two plus the duties of the day. Part of it is wanting to live more simply. I am constantly thinking of how much stuff I consume and throw away and how easy it is to be wasteful. I want our home, our calendar, and our budget to be excess-free, and getting rid of what “weighs us down,” so that we can be more useful for God. It just sounds so good to my ears. The more “stuff” I have to worry about every day, the more drained I feel. Sometimes I just wish all the little unwanted bits of plastic and paper in my house would be instantly eliminated. Or that they wouldn’t end up there in the first place! Ha. You know?

I know that my God is on my side, though, and he is teaching me in these weary days. I don’t want to discourage other parents. God knows that the best thing I can ever have is Himself. He knows that I want Him more than anything, and His favor rests on me through his Son Jesus. I think Romans 8:32 includes rest: “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” He knows that these burdens make me tired. Sometimes I catch myself begging God to make these things easier and asking him to give me a “break,” when I know good and well that this life isn’t supposed to be easy. I am learning humility and self-denial, and I am learning to put feet to my love when I am tired. I know these are great and rewarding lessons, but it is hard sometimes. I need God to give me wisdom, clarity, and more of his precious Son.