Good Like a Medicine

Sometimes life with infants and toddlers makes parents feel like we are on some distant non-orbital planet, never to be remembered again or seen for a thousand years. We have left civilization, and we’re stuck in a disorganized, foreign, chaotic state without a handbook. Somehow this isn’t in the plan. It can be puzzling, startling, and even depressing for some. Am I exaggerrating? Perhaps not because I know in my memory I have days that make me feel like this. Duty calls, especially for a mother at home, but at times the lack of peace and simplicity seems to stem from more than just duty. It’s something else. It must be something else because we often take delight in our duties. We feel frazzled, scattered, and like our life and structure are thrown out of the window with the finger foods. Why is this?

I often ponder the answer to that question. I do not at all consider myself out of this “chapter,” but I am slowly emerging from the season in which all of my children are barely talking, walking, and cannot do simple tasks for themselves. I think the answer involves the simplicity of our home life, and many times I notice the various influencing factors that determine the level of stress or peace within our walls. After all, it is normally therewithin that our children grow, sleep, eat, and spend the majority of their time. I describe here some of the most important factors that I think are causes of simplicity for the Christian family with small, pre-schoolage children, and I invite you to come along with me and be blessed by digesting them.

Be Loyal to God’s Priorities.

What are they? Jesus, His Son. His Spirit. His Word. Prayer. Heaven. Most of us have seen what happens when we leave our first love, Jesus Christ. We have too often tasted the bitter fruit of negligence or idolatry. Yes, the strong, loving arms of God always welcome us to Him in our weak wanderings, but we are much happier and striving less when we seek Him. We produce all of the ugliest things from within when we don’t. This pursuit is a very spiritual one, yet it is a physical one because we are physical creatures. The actions of prayer, reading, abiding in His presence, and such are self disciplines. Those actions may not look the same for a young parent as they do for an older parent. I cannot speak for the latter, but currently I am in the young camp. My times of prayer and Word study are much briefer than they used to be, but on the days when I seek God’s face and call out to Him regularly, I know I am far more radiating His love and living out my calling.

Welcome Parenthood.

“You mean I’m really a parent?” I’m not trying to be sarcastic or critical here. I’m serious. It takes me a while to adjust to change. I am slowly realizing after years of struggle that, yes, this is where I am, this is where I’m supposed to be, and this is who I want to be. “I want a husband, and I have a husband. I want children, and I have children. Thank You for this, God!” Once this realization comes, it is very powerful, and God guides me to a deeper, satisfying place of purpose, service, and joy. I take my eyes off of everything else, and I stop comparing my life to other ones. This is contentment, and this is where I should be. Simplicity flows like a river into a content heart and life.

Watch God-Centered Families.

I learn so much from other parents who are raising their children to love the Lord and hold Jesus in the center of their affections. Two of the characteristics that I see over and over in such families are “calmness” and “firmness,” meaning a very persuasive peace on the part of the not-easily swayed parents. These parents are not characterized by constant worry, gossip, legalism, or pride, and they are willing to help and genuinely interested in the lives of others. No, of course they are not perfect, but they seem to have “gotten it,” don’t they? These kinds of mothers and fathers also know their responsibility as authorities over the children and do not waver; they accept it with determination to follow the Lord joyfully. If you can, surround yourself, worship, talk, go on outings, and serve with these kinds of families. Ask God for this, trust Him with the opportunities that come, and wait patiently when they do not. Many times for me these opportunties are “nothing special” in that they are mere invitations to come to the house, talk and fold laundry (when I only had one child), join for Sunday lunch, play a game or two after kids are asleep, etc. Sometimes I go alone with kids during the day, and sometimes our whole family goes. This seems to be a beautiful season of “receiving” in many ways, and for that we can be thankful. As more children come, however, we find that leaving the house is sometimes more strain on us, and we have to find creative ways to foster these relationships. That means we may not see these families as much, but this, too, is in God’s plan. There is much grace and provision for our needs and wants. This leads me to the next suggestion.

Stay at home as much as possible.

I am perplexed as to why this idea seems to be so controversial, but I am finding that it is really important when it comes to our stress level and simplicity of home life. How does it happen? Simply saying, “no” to many things. Although I hate the thought of someone saying, “Oh, you can’t call her; she’s got those kids,” I have realized that this is not the chapter of my life to be everything to everyone or to be some activity superstar around town. This is extremely freeing as well!

Sometimes older parents say to me with a chuckle, “Well, you have no idea how busy it’s about to get when you have this one going here, and this one going there, picking the other one up, and making sure the first one isn’t late to the next thing…” I have no idea what opportunities and activities God has in store for our family in the next 10-20 years, but I know that my husband and I are going to make every effort to guard our priorities and let nothing conflict with our family dinner table. For now while my children are under the age of five, I try very hard to stay home when I can, and combine errands when I am not home. This one is of course a little different for parents with one child versus two or three, but one way to look at is with the addition of each child, staying home should be more and more a priority.

Making lists or “maps” of where I need to go on certain days really helps, and at this point, they consist mainly doctor visits, church, library, and the grocery store. With the fortune of a computer I can find almost anything else I need online, which really helps with staying home. Some people like me need constant contact and relationships more than others, so this is a difficult challenge to meet, which leads to the next point.

Have People in Your Home.

Now, this seems to be an unlikely suggestion, doesn’t it? Having people come into a home with little ones would normally bring more stress, not less! Actually I am learning that this is a hidden gem of joy for me. It’s not always easy, but having families over and volunteering our home as the meeting place for a church small group bible study brings so much blessing. My two older children are so excited when it’s Monday because they know it’s “small group night!” Doing this enables me to see a bigger picture of family and relationships and hospitality. Doing this forces me to keep my home life simple and know that in “a few more days” we will see our precious friends. Doing this enables me to keep my home as orderly as possible and then realize that it is alright to have laundry on the couch sometimes and “let go” because I have done most of the work needed and hold relationships more fondly.

Aim for Rest.

There are hundreds of methods for teaching babies how to sleep on their own, and I don’t really enjoy discussing them because people get defensive. I do not mean to minimize this however. I know some mothers and fathers who have toddlers who continue to drag them into a battle on a regular basis over this, and I suspect it must be one of the worst hindrances to having simplicity and peace in the home as kids grow. Ask God to give the wisdom in this area as you seek what way He has for teaching and training the young ones under your care, and then keep asking and ask others who have seen success for tips if you remain in a struggle.

I tend to see a pattern between my lack of discipline in this area and sickness in our family, and each time we become ill I say to myself, “Okay, this time I’m going to try harder to keep rest as a bigger priority.” Rest, physical exercise, and good nutrition seem to me to be obvious, classic factors in our health. Perhaps this is one sure reason God gave us the Sabbath? We could do well to hold rest as higher goal in our family I’m sure. If you struggle in this area, try very hard to make Sunday afternoon a guarded rest time. That may mean Saturday hosts more preparations for the following few days, so Sunday can be restful. During this phase of our life we unplug our phones during naptimes because we value them so much! A final suggestion with this is that of trying earlier bedtimes for the kids. With the addition of the third child in our family, the bedtime is thirty minutes to an hour earlier most days so that everyone wakes up happier in the morning. Sometimes our oldest doesn’t want to go that early, but we assure her that she will have more energy and can play harder in the morning if she will rest now. Now, if only I could get that in my own head!

Turn off the TV.

Is this a no-brainer for you? Is this a “no way” for you? I cannot make this point clearly enough, but I aim to say it humbly. Turn off the TV. It brings peace. Fighting with your spouse about this, however, would not bring peace but instead a “constant dripping of contention,” so keep that in mind!

Laugh!

If you struggle like me, pray for God to help you see the fun and amusement in the everyday chaos of life with little ones. Laugh and smile when the noise volume gets so loud that you can’t hear yourself think. Tell your kids you’ll be back in a minute, and go pray and laugh in the closet! Beg God to help you prize your spouse, and laugh together in your home. Make a list of funny things you can share at the dinner table. Joke with your spouse in front and behind closed doors. I am learning to seek hard after laughter, so that I won’t dry up and stress out. Laughter opens the gate for peace to enter our homes.

Guard Traditions.

I do not mean guarding the concept of having family traditions, although that is essential, but rather I mean guarding against fostering meaningless traditions for tradition’s sake. For this reason we do our family birthday parties differently than we did two or three years ago. We keep the celebration of God’s hand in our child’s life the focus of the birthday party. We aim to foster harmony between our extended family during the holiday seasons, but we also guard our children in remembering that they are still so young and need rest if it is possible. You just can’t ignore that a small child without sleep for the whole day is going to scream at dinner, so you plan accordingly and try to laugh when things seem to go awry. Our families are so accomodating about this, even though I went through the usual, rigid selfishness of “first time mother syndrome” when my first was an infant. God is good to me!

Cut out and Pare Down.

Most of us struggle with clutter. I am finding my ways to keep it at bay, and I’m sure you are finding yours as well. If not, go through your home and detach your heart from needless things. Think of someone, perhaps in a different phase of life, who may benefit from having them. Less “stuff” usually means more time for relationships, and that can only be a good thing in the lives of our small children. Imagine that you are a one to three year-old child awakening for a new day. Would you be excited to walk into a room filled from wall to wall with toys, bombarded with the overwhelming stimulation and lack of parental guidance that often accompanies them, or would your senses be more engaged with a select few areas of really enchanting amusements? I remember the children (very poor children) I taught in India one Summer seemed who seemed more content with their few toys than some children I have seen with whole nurseries of their own.

Your family decides what clutter is going to look like in your own home, but keep in mind that, like rest, this area is a small, often unnoticed, part that makes a huge impact on its simplicity. You might have to part ways and do the hard thing! I find, though, that it’s a reinforcement of the age-old-Jesus-truth, “It is more blessed to give than receive.” This makes us want to stay home more as well!

Remember They are Little.

This is something God is teaching me with such joy and tenderness. I cannot imagine anything better right now that God would set before me daily than my children. I weep sometimes thinking that one day they will be gone from our home and living the lives that God is preparing for them (although some hours of the day I ask God to make it come quickly)! There is a constant truth in the reminder that these dear ones are so little, and if I can remember that, my perspective and attitude seems to be in the right place. By “little” I mean young, but I also mean physically small. When I forget that they are little, I become lazy, rude, and arrogant towards them. By God’s grace He is showing me to realign my thinking and realign our home to make it more comfortable and “reachable” for them. I am learning to make small tasks available to their little hands, to put their shoes where they can put them on at the door (even if it drives me crazy to see them there), to just slow down and get down on their eye-level when I talk to them. They are little, and this is blessing me in ways I never dreamed.

What if you do not have a home, or these suggestions seem out of place with your family because of your circumstances? I can only speak from my American home life within my house although I can imagine what it would be like in another place or more people in our home, etc. I have lived in another country for a short time, and my sister came to live with us once a few years ago. I know what tragedy feels like, and I understand the defeating blow of a long sickness because I have walked through them with my husband. My point is that God often calls us out of the comfort of the familiar, and in those times He is gracious to provide and sustain. In times of travel, sickness, unusual situations, peace can still reign if we seek God’s Word and ask Him to keep our priorities focused on Him. Striving for simplicity, I would argue, actually helps us have the ability to seek Him and be more available to our Father when those trials arrive.

In re-reading over all of these suggestions I am thinking, “I hope no ones bawks at them and thinks that family life has to be boring.” Well, perhaps family life does seem more boring if I try to stay true to them, but there are trade-offs in every area of life. I believe this one is very valuable because when our children are so small, we are laying foundations. We are laying foundations for the years of more complexity in the hearts of our children, and we are laying foundations for our family in years and generations to come after us. This is something to be weighed on our hearts as we ask if we want children or not, and we will bring more glory to God is we are willing to joyfully accept the responsibilities of discipline. The irony is that seeking God first and keeping these suggestions in mind makes our homes more interesting and the most fun places to be for us and our children! We are free from so many snares and burdens, and God freely gives us with peace in our homes. That is, after all, why I am writing this. I hope and pray that you can benefit from these suggestions and find simplicity within your home for the glory of God!