Preaching to Myself
I have had a really difficult time managing myself, home, and family in the last several weeks. The pressure of the holidays hasn’t helped, and I have a new enemy that I have never before encountered, which is anger and bitterness towards women who say they never struggle with this in pregnancy. I know it’s not their fault, but I want to cry when women smile and say, “I’m sorry, I never got sick.” More than cry. I think I want to punch them in the stomach. I guess deep down if the truth be known, my real resentment must be towards God alone that He would give me this thorn. I’m just being honest, and I know it’s a sin to harbor this bitterness. It terrifies me to no end to think of how weak my faith might be if I were handed from my Lord a much more chronic trial. How would I treat my Savior?
I should be nearing the end of what usually lasts about 5-6 weeks with a new pregnancy, but it’s hard to tell. Of course it’s much harder with three little ones to endure this sickness and fatigue than with none, one, or two. I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband who is a big helper when I am down like this, but still I constantly bombard myself with guilt and anger that I am not the wife and mom I want to be, and when he is not home, I am pretty pathetic. (He’s home now, or I would not be writing this.) I know there are millions of people out there that might be tempted to punch me in the stomach for even mentioning that pregnancy is hard because they would give almost anything to have a child (or another child). I’m not pretending like the storm has lifted; I feel as though I am still hiding from pounding waves under a shelter on the rocky shore. But today’s thoughts from Spurgeon have sobered and warmed me.
So, unbelieving observer, where does a Christian go when she is drained and angry, even bitter or despairing? The Christian goes to the truth. The truth is light and life, and it really does set the heart free. I am a Christian. I do have faith in the unseen, and my heart and mind, though frail and faltering, look to the Rock and Author of my faith for my strength and help beyond myself. Because self is a miserable place to be sometimes. Freedom from the tyranny of selfish depression is the gift of the yoke of Jesus Christ.
“The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight.” — Luke 3:4
The voice crying in the wilderness demanded a way for the Lord, a way
prepared, and a way prepared in the wilderness. I would be attentive to
the Master’s proclamation, and give him a road into my heart, cast up
by gracious operations, through the desert of my nature. The four
directions in the text must have my serious attention.Every valley must be exalted. Low and grovelling thoughts of God must
be given up; doubting and despairing must be removed; and self-seeking
and carnal delights must be forsaken. Across these deep valleys a
glorious causeway of grace must be raised.Every mountain and hill shall be laid low. Proud creature-sufficiency,
and boastful self-righteousness, must be levelled, to make a highway
for the King of kings. Divine fellowship is never vouchsafed to
haughty, highminded sinners. The Lord hath respect unto the lowly, and
visits the contrite in heart, but the lofty are an abomination unto
him. My soul, beseech the Holy Spirit to set thee right in this
respect.The crooked shall be made straight. The wavering heart must have a
straight path of decision for God and holiness marked out for it.
Double-minded men are strangers to the God of truth. My soul, take heed
that thou be in all things honest and true, as in the sight of the
heart-searching God.The rough places shall be made smooth. Stumbling-blocks of sin must be
removed, and thorns and briers of rebellion must be uprooted. So great
a visitor must not find miry ways and stony places when he comes to
honour his favoured ones with his company. Oh that this evening the
Lord may find in my heart a highway made ready by his grace, that he
may make a triumphal progress through the utmost bounds of my soul,
from the beginning of this year even to the end of it.
Posted in Joy in Trials, Ruminations, Spurgeon, pregnancy articles
I am one of those women who would sometimes like to punch women like you because I have been unable to get pregnant for almost seven years. It just so happens that during my last pregnancy I had almost no nausea. I also miscarried and it was devastating. I just thought I would comment so you would have a human story behind those comments that anger you so much. It is not my fault, nor any other woman’s, that you are suffering right now. It is not wrong to feel overwhelmed, to feel despair, to acknowledge that what you are going through is really hard. But it is unfair to displace all of that onto others. It’s something I’m working through myself.
Kristi,
I can sympathize with you in this area. I was the same way when I got pregnant with Tanner. I struggled in the beginning with sickness and bitterness (I had dumb reasons for my bitterness), as well. You are not alone. You are such an awesome mommy and have so much energy and stamina it amazes me. You seem to balance three children and pregnancy beyond my comprehension. I
can barely manage one 2-year old. He gives me a run for my money somedays!
I agree with you. I don’t see how a non-Christian faces trials. I don’t see how they can make it through each day without some glimmer of hope.
I will keep you in my prayers. Take care!
John 14:1
Ashlee
Thank you, Catherine. Your comment has been one of the best comments I have ever received. I appreciate your honesty and taking the time to help me see in broader perspective. Thank you, and thank you also Ashlee, for your encouragement — I needed it so much!
Hi, I hear ya girl–I suffered a great deal with all four of my pregnancies–each one the nausea got worse and worse. It affects everything. The more children you have it gets worse in other areas–to the point that when I got sick I was never sure which end should be on the toilet–you will find it hard to control yourself(if you know what I mean) when you are hacking. I am not talking about people who feel a little queezie–I am talking about all out sickness everyday for the entire pregnancy. It is not healthy for you or the baby. I dehydrated a number of times with my second son ( a summer baby) I was hospitalized quite a few times–I only gained 18 lbs with him and he weighed 8!
With my last preganacy they came out with a new medication—It was a gift from God for me. I can’t recall the name but it is very very very expensive. They give it to chemo patients to keep them from getting sick. Without insurance it runs about $1000.00 for 30 pills. My insurance paid all but about $300.00
So yes I paid $300.00 a month for this pill for nearly 5 months of my pregancy. My husband can attest that despite the cost he knew from seeing me soooo sick so much how it was worth every penny! Toward the end I got to where I could cut the pill in half to stretch it. I tended to get a little sick but I could live with it.
So if yours gets worse, speak to your docter. There are things that may help. Don’t feel bad if you need some sort of medication to help keep your food down. You need nourishment and so does your baby.
Hang in there and know that others have gone thru it –I went thru this 4 times. The babies are truly worth it!
Hey Kristi,
I am expecting our fourth,and have a four year old,three year old,and one year old.I am right there with ya girl!I was just put on bedrest for four weeks,and then will be having a c-section.I too have struggled with anger and bitterness,since I have had to have c-sections with all of my children.It’s frusterating when friends and family seem to have such uncomplicated pregnancies/births.But,I realize,that God has a purpose for everything.Perhaps I won’t know why now,But,I can rest in the peace that one day all of these things will be revealed to me.I love reading your blog,because we have so much in common,and from what I can tell,you are a great momma!Take heart,this too shall pass…or as Ken Davis says…”This too shall pass…or I will pass…either way there is something to look forward to!”.Blessings to you!~Bethany
Wow, some heavy comments posted previously! I just wanted you to know that I think you are a wonderful person inside and out and a fantastic mommy!! I’m praying for you and your family to have peace and understanding and hope for happy times ahead that don’t involve a bathroom, or saltine crackers, or water consistently. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! God is good and would never give you more than you can handle in ANY situation!
Love you,
ann
Read my thoughts here…
msaleshabrittaingoodlett.blogspot.com
Love U Kristi!
I know it’s hard. I had no sickness with the girls, but H was a different story. I will be praying for that.
As for your “thorn”, listen to Twila Paris’ “This Thorn.” I think you will be blessed by doing so.
Oh, how my *self* is a miserable place to be!
I love you heart in this post, Kristi- and Spurgeon’s words are so fitting, and convicting.
I am thinking of- and commiserating with- you during this time. May the Lord find in your heart a highway for His grace…I’ve a sneaking suspicion He already has…
this is a hard one for me b/c i can relate to both kristi and catherine in a way. i was very nauseated with Miller and now here i am 10 months into infertility and wanting nothing more in life than to be sick with morning sickness again. i would take it every day of my pregnancy to take away the pain of infertility. but i think envy and those feelings are things we’ll struggle with all our lives. if it’s not wanting a baby or desiring a pregnancy free of morning sickness, it will be our neighbors house or our best friends bank account. i think kristi has the right idea to look to God’s Word and pray that He delivers us all from envy. that we would learn to be content in what He has given us. and kristi we’ll definitely pray you’re on the tail end of this. i often wonder what it’s like to be that sick and have to chase a little one (or 3 in your case) around.
Kristi,
It was so great to see you guys the other night. The kids were so well-behaved and well-mannered. I know you weren’t feeling great, and I admire you for always having a positive attitude.
We’ll be praying for you over the next few weeks. Hopefully, you will begin to feel much better.
Leah
Hey Kristi,
My precious daughter in law was sick the entire time with each of her three children….the last so bad she had to have a port inserted so that the medicine could constantly flow….she was still sick! But she sure has three beautiful, wonderful (oh, am i sounding grandmotherly?) children to show for that sickness. Hang in there…..this is only for a season! Nancy
kristi- praying for you during this time- i know how it is to be on both sides of the coin- i am blessed with three beautiful children who all made me sick!! but i remember longing for the second child as well- when we weren’t able to get pregnant. it will pass- maybe not for awhile, but it will. the medicine is zofran- it was the only thing that kept me out of the hospital from dehydration with my last two- but very expensive without really good insurance. but cheaper than childcare, hospital bills, etc.!
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