Good Like a Medicine

[For part II click here]

I am almost finished reading The Mother at Home — Raising Your Children in the Fear of the Lord, a widely-read work of the 19th century which was written by John S.C. Abbott (1805-1877). My friend Lindsey bought this as a Christmas gift for me last year, and I must say that it is one of the most inspiring, practical, and sobering books concerning Christian parenting that I have ever read. Abbott introduces the book with these words: “This treatise was commenced with particular reference to the mothers who attend my ministry. That it may be of assistance to them, in their efforts to lead their children to the Savior, is the earnest prayer of their friend and pastor…” That right there made me want to keep reading. The fact that a pastor would devote time and energy to writing an entire book to mothers concerning the rearing of their little ones unto the Lord is so uplifting! What devotion there must have been to his flock.

I have taken this book and tried to have a willing and open heart to what God would have me learn as I strive to lead Lydia and Steven every day closer to God’s heart. I believe this task starts the minute they are born, and no opportunity should be wasted to lead them in worship as we learn to worship God ourselves. I am not going to try to summarize the book or share main ideas, but I would love to post some quotations. These statements are very challenging, convicting, encouraging, and full of hope. I am strongly admonished by reading this book, and although I have a long way to go on this road with my husband, I do not feel “beaten up” by reading this. Instead I felt encouraged and hopeful because I know mothers who have by God’s grace seen Him bless their efforts to make the reverence of Christ in their home the first priority; what happy homes they have! I also believe that for the non-Christian, the principles of this book may seem cruel and heartless. How could a mother be so unloving as to require consistent obedience and administer discipline when it is not happily offered by the child? My answer is that the truly humble follower of Christ will daily learn God’s grace, and it will always be sufficient to give the proper balance in the requirement of obedience. God will not let his children be angry and sinful towards their children without also disciplining them (Hebrews 12:7-11).

I will probably break up the quotes into separate posts since I am not finished reading quite yet. Also, these quotes are taken out of the context which they were written, but hopefully they will not seem too isolated this way. (Sorry, also, for any typo’s! I am not a good “quote-typer!”)

Quotes from the first part of The Mother at Home:

You may pray with, and for your children; you may strive to instruct them in religious truth; you may be unwearied in your efforts to make them happy, and to gain their affection. But if they are in habits of disobedience, your instructions will be lost, and your toil in vain. And by obedience, I do not mean languid and dilatory yielding to repeated threats, but prompt and cheerful acquiescence in parental commands. Neither is it enough that a child should yeild to your arguments and persuasions. It is essential that he should submit to your authority (13).

The first thing therefore to be aimed at, is to bring your child under perfect subjection. Teach him that he must obey you. Sometimes give him your reasons; again withhold them (15).

Never give a command which you do not intend shall be obeyed. There is no more effectual way of teaching a child disobedience, than by giving commands which you have no intention of enforcing. A child is thus habituated to disregard its mother; and in a short time the habit becomes so strong, and the child’s contempt for the mother so confirmed, that entreaties and threats are alike unheeded (16).

I know that some mothers say that they have not time to pay so much attention to their children. But the fact is that not one-third the time is required to take care of an orderly family, which is necessary to take care of a disorderly one. To be faithful in the government of your family is the only way to save time. Can you afford to be distracted and harassed by continued disobedience? Can you spare the time to have your attention called away, every moment, from the business in which you are engaged, by the mischievousness of your willful children? (20)

The principle of government is simple and plain. It is to begin with enforcing obedience to every command. It is to establish the principle that a mother’s word is never to be disregarded. Every judicious parent will, indeed, try to gratify her children in their reasonable wishes. She will study to make them happy, but she will never allow them to gratify themselves in contradiction to her wishes (22).

Is it said that by noticing such little things a mother must be continually finding fault? But it is not a little thing for a child to disobey a mother’s commands. This one act of disregarding authority prepares a way for another (23).

What more power can a parent ask for then God has already given? And if we fail to use this pwer for the purposes for which it was bestowed, the sin is ours, and upon us and upon our children must rest the consequences (24).

Wisdom, therefore, teaches us to guard against giving a child an opportunity of summoning all its energies to disobey. There are peculiar occasions, and peculiar moods of mind, which generally elicit this strength of rebellious feeling. A little foresight will often enable us, without surrender of authority, to calm the rising feeling, instead of exciting it to its utmost strength (31).

When we see some of the wisest and best of men oppressed with these infirmities, we must learn forbearance and sympathy with children. At such times, a judicious mother, knowing that the irritability is as much a bodily as mental infirmity, will do all in her power to calm and soothe. She will avoid every thing calculated to jar the feelings, and will endeavor, by mild amusements or repose, to lull these feelings asleep. By this method she will save the child much unhappiness, and will promote an amiable and sweet disposition. Probably many children have had their feelings permanently soured by utter disregard of these variations of mind. The disposition of a child is of too delicate a texture to be handles with a rough and careless grasp” (34). [This quote I find to be most encouraging and helpful!]

Never punish when the child has not intentionally done wrong. Children are often very unjustly unpunished. Things which are really wrong are overlooked, and again, punishment is inflicted on account of some accident, when the child is entirely innocent. Such a course of procedure not only destroys, in the mind of a child, the distinction between accident and crime, but is in itself absolutely iniquitous . . . A child who has been permitted to climb on the chairs, and take things from the table, accidentally pushes off some valuable article. The mother severely punishes the child. Now, where did this child do wrong? You never taught him that he must not climb upon the table (37).

Never think that your child is too young to obey. We are ingenious in framing excuses for neglecting our duty with our children. At one time they are too young; again they are too sick. Some parents always find an excuse, of one kind or another, for letting their children have their own way . . . A very judicious mother, who has brought up a large family of children, all of whom are now in situations of respectability and usefulness, remarked that it was her practice to obey her children for the first year of their life, but ever after she expected them to obey her . . . In fact, the principle which really ought to guide in such case is this: that the authority of the mother ought to be established over the child as soon as it is able to understand a command or prohibition expressed by looks and gestures” (42).

Guard against too much severity. By pursuing a steady course of efficient government, severity will very seldom be found necessary . . . let a mother ever be affectionate and mild with her children. Let her sympathize with them in their little sports. Let her gain their confidence by her assiduous efforts to make them happy. And let her feel, when they have done wrong, not irritated, but sad; and punish them in sorrow, but not in anger. Fear is a useful and a necessary principle in family government. God makes use of it in governing his creatures. But it is ruinous to the disposition of a child, exclusively to control him by this motive” (43).

How unhappy must be that family where the parent always sists with a face deformed with scowls, and where the voice is always uttered in tones of severity and command! Such parents we do see. Their children fear them. They are always under restraint in their presence; and home becomes to them an irksome prison, instead of the happy retreat of peace and joy. But where the mother greets her children with smiles, and rewards their efforts to please her, with caresses, and addresses them in tones of mildness and affection, she is touching those chords in the human heart which vibrate in sweet harmony; she is calling into action the noblest and the loveliest principles of our nature. And thus does she prepare the way for every painful act of discipline to come with effectual power upon the heart. The children know that she does not love to punish” (43).

The most efficient family government may be almost entirely administered by affection, if it be distinctly understood that disobedience cannot pass unpunished . . . Every effort should be made to make the home the most desirable place; to gather around it associations of delight; and thus to form in the mind of your child an attachment for peaceful and purifying enjoyments” (44).