Letting Go
As parents surely we do this more times than we like. No one likes to talk about it really because it can be a yucky part of life. I’m certainly not the first to think about this subject, and I have written about it in the past. The last several days God has been reminding me again of its importance and great necessity. It takes great faith to see your own children with God’s eyes. I am often shortsighted and stubborn, but the sufficiency of Christ’s death and resurrection sustains my hope.
What child is this
I want to be careful to protect my Lydia with what I write, yet I don’t want to miss writing and sharing the lesson I am learning. After all I feel that so much of the road of parenthood is plowing the soil of our own hearts before we can lead them on the journey. I am groping my way through the most recent chapter of “the firsts” with my oldest daughter who will be five in a few weeks, and admittedly I am squirming in discomfort. My baby is growing up, and every moment reveals the mystery unfolding before my eyes. She is everything you expect a five year-old girl to be. She is beautiful, inquisitive, cautious, and sure of herself - all at the same time. And gosh I love her.
Ring, Ring…leave a message
While I’m trying to figure her out, I can’t help but notice that she’s running faster than me. I can’t keep up with her. No matter how hard I try, at the end of every day I feel as though time has 
slipped through my fingers, and I’m longing to peer into her heart. It pains me in those quiet moments, and like other mothers with many children close in age, I frown and wonder if I’ll ever feel satisfied with the attention she’s getting. (And I stay home full time!) I would cry and despair if not for the gospel, which clears up the fog in my head that is tempted to believe worldly thoughts characterized by child-centered parenting and behavior modification. My goal is to have grace reign in our home, to keep the phone lines of communication open between us and the children, and to be patient as God works in all of us. The balance is not easy; in fact it is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. Lest you think that this is just another target for my bent toward intensity, I assure you that my husband has shared my heavy heart. How do parents without Christ do it?!
Tension
We have had to correct, instruct, and discipline Lydia so much in the last few weeks, and we noticed the struggles intensifying while we were on a recent trip. It has been the same thing over and over - selfish pride. Details aside, the constant battles we have fought with her have been one frustrating scenario after another that could be avoided were it not for her me-first attitude. At one point she told Eric and me that she didn’t want to play with her siblings because they weren’t pretty like her. Anyone who has children (over the age of 15 months) can agree that these are the kinds of moments that pretty much set the records straight that children are sinners in need of saving grace!
During all of this I have attempted to look the other way for a short time, simply because I had to focus on some other short-term responsibilities. It was strange because during the day at home I was by grace able to correct without losing it, and Eric and I were doing the best we could in the evenings to teach together and talk to her. Yet I could feel the tension mounting. This weekend we were up in our hometown to celebrate my high school reunion, which was great, but every single time I had to instruct Lydia, she would look and speak to me with such heart-breaking disrespect. I expect a different atmosphere when we are traveling to see our families because everyone is excited; there are expectations of toys, action and adventure, and a sudden shift of where they see their authority. I feel like I have gotten better over time at being flexible with this, but this weekend was challenging. I don’t think anyone saw the difficulty I was having with her but God and me. However during a meal one of my sisters mentioned that she was acting out very badly, and she asked, “Why do you think she does that?” I bluntly responded, “Because she’s human and a sinner.” She said that the kids she watches every day don’t act like that (they can come play at my house any day!), and although I know she wasn’t trying to be hurtful, I couldn’t help but think about that remark for a while after that. My mind started…
Do my kids really act worse than other kids?
Is there something that triggers this around our families that we could prevent?
When they are at church, everyone always says they behave wonderfully, but are they just trying to be nice?
Are we really breeding future hypocrites?
Mighty to Save
On Sunday before we drove home we visited a church that is home for many of our friends. As one of my husband’s friends led us in worship, I glanced at Lydia, who was sulking beside me in the chair. I asked her to leave her toys in the van, which we always do for church, but today you would have thought I ran over her toys with the van. I closed my eyes and let my heart wrap itself around these words:
Everyone needs compassion
Love that’s never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations
Saviour
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender
I weep now as I remember that moment. All of a sudden I could feel my terribly wound up spirit, so tense from attempting to be in control. Almost audibly I again heard my Father speaking with power, “Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth.” Something so marvelous blocked my thoughts from going through any other door. In my broken weakness, I felt a sudden rush of hope, and my mind’s eye fixed itself on Jesus Christ, immovable, sitting on His throne. This Jesus I know: He is mighty to save. He will take my fears and failures. He is the author of salvation.
Joy
You can see from the length of this post that all of this has been on my mind quite a bit since Sunday morning. “Child of mine, I love her more than you could ever fathom,” says God to my heart. “But, what if she doesn’t… what if she always….what if she never…?” I continue. Honestly I see with 
clarity that my biggest hurdle is I am trying to control her heart, and the truth is that no one can fully know and change one’s heart but God. I can wind myself up in a million strands of tension, but it will do absolutely nothing to change her heart. The heart of stone does not melt into flesh by human will (or a mother’s constant prodding or scheming). So again my Father is giving me the same gift of faith that He will have to give to my daughter.
And do you know what that does for me? It gives me joy - real, sufficient, serene joy. I can smile and shepherd her heart with joy and peace knowing that she ultimately belongs to Him. I have to let go. I must remember that my job is to be faithful, to love and nourish her heart and mind under the leadership of my husband, and in that service is my worship. No matter what that may look like to anyone else, it looks like faith to God, and we know how He sees this kind of faith. In that joy my wandering heart can find anchor and stand. And the rest is up to God.
Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We’re singing
For the glory of the risen King
Posted in Joy in Trials, Life With Littles, Lydia, Ruminations
Thanks so much for sharing this. We’re struggling with our oldest daughter as well, so I appreciate the wisdom.
Thanks for being so transparent.
Wow. I am comforted by your honesty and encouraged by your conclusions. My oldest is still several years from school age, but I had a very rough day with him last week where I found myself asking the same questions tinged with doubt. We try so hard to control the entire situation, but as you’ve pointed out, there is only so much in our hands. One of my favorite worship songs contains this line- “[Lord,] Hold us face to face.” It is such an intimate picture of the relationship we could ideally have with our Father, and it embodies what I pray for my children. I’m rambling… Thanks again for sharing this!
We went through this with Tyler. Most of it was while Richard was gone. So, it was very trying and stressful. I’m so glad you shared this. I know I’m not the only one who had to deal with this. However, it makes it better to hear it from some one else. Thank you friend for your post! I love you and I’m praying things with Lydia continue to improve! She’s such a sweet child and so is Tyler. However, when I was at home with Tyler and not out in public it was like I was dealing with a different child. If we were around others, he was an angel. Other times it was TOTALLY DIFFERENT! Just be patient. I know it’s easier said than done, but I know you are a great mommy and this too shall pass! Love you all!
i wish i could say that i understand but i honestly can’t… however you are right… letting go and letting God take the reigns is all we can really do. that’s what i am finding with my current situation of infertility. it’s so hard sometimes to just let go but it is best. i am reiterating this to myself right now! and by the way…. Mighty to Save is my absolute favorite song right now. i cry every single time i sing it! love u!
Thanks for sharing…I have been stuggling much of the time with Bella as well. She is so amazing and magical and full of life, which means she has MUCH stronger emotions than I’m expecting to come out of her. I try so hard to remember that…and treat her with grace and respect. I try to focus on the underlying issue…and get to the heart of what SHE is focused on, and we can usually get it worked out. It’s a learning process for both of us…but we’ll make it through.
Hang in there!
Knowing that I am a complete stranger to you, I wanted to thank you for so eloquently saying what many mothers feel. My middle child, Abby, is so different from myself or my other children that it sometimes causes me to feel as if I am “losing” it when it comes to discipline. She does what she wants most of the time, despite numerous attempts at redirection and discipline. When she was born she and I battle colic together for 6 months, me as a single mother with a 3 year old and a newborn, and I was a teacher by day….I can remember crying as the sun came up, listening to her crying. She was so different then, and I knew that our journey was going to be different than that of my older daughter’s. I was right, but God has blessed me so fully with such a beautiful and caring daughter. I have been taught by him that I must have faith in what I can’t see. As they grow older they also become more aware of their world. Hang in there! =)
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